For the record, we never promise that the sites we link to or people we quote are ones we’d agree with in all aspects. All we’re saying is that they made a great point, or an interesting point, or a point worth commenting on. Okay? Cool beans.
For a great post on Schrodinger’s Rapist, try this one. It’s directed at well-intentioned men who would like to be able to approach women in public and don’t understand why those women freak out or freeze sometimes. This is not a post telling women to be afraid or degrading men; it’s just noting that women have cause to be wary, and how men can be aware of the signals they’re sending and receiving. Quotes to note:
- When you approach me, I will begin to evaluate the possibility you will do me harm. That possibility is never 0%.
- Women are under no obligation to hear the sales pitch before deciding they are not in the market to buy.
- Ask yourself, “If I were dangerous, would this woman be safe in this space with me?” If the answer is no, then it isn’t appropriate to approach her.
- So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a conversation when she’s tried to cut it off, you send a message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her rights.
Another post called being creeped out a “Spidey sense women develop under duress.” Why?
When you’re female, unwelcome male attention kicks in when you’re YOUNG, with no power to do anything about it. …We don’t get to fight back, either. When we complain, we’re told the same things:
“It means he likes you. You should be flattered!”
“Oh, that’s not that bad.”
“You should’ve known better than to wear that.”
“Well, walk a different way next time.”
“just ignore him.”
The only way we’re given to deal with it is avoiding trouble, so we get really good at picking up on subtext. …In a culture that teaches women to smooth things over and not stir up trouble, where you’re not really given much of a vocabulary or tool kit to identify and call out people who feel like they have an unquestioned right to you or your time or your attention or your body or even your damn SMILE, and where the world tries to slap those tools out of your hands when you try to pick them up, all that’s left is the word “creepy.”
For a great post on why you should not let your feelings be overruled, try A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy.” It’s an old one, but it needs to be said. Quotes to note:
- You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!
- Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.
For more examples of across-the-board creepy guys (titled “Our group has a case of the Creepy Guy, how do we clear that up?”), and a great response, click here. Quote to note:
- It gets written off as “not a big deal” or “he probably didn’t mean it” or “he’s not a bad guy, really.” Any discussion of the bad behavior must immediately be followed by a complete audit of his better qualities or the sad things he’s suffered in the name of “fairness.” Once the camera has moved in and seen him in closeup as a real, human, suffering person, how can you…be so cruel as to want to hold him accountable for his actions? Bitches, man.
And to end on a good note, here’s how one writer changed the Creepy Guy Narrative on the train. “It is the narrative of how men hit on women in public places.” You’re going to want to click over and read this one in its entirety. It’s worth it.